A Christman tradition for a fiftieth of a century
LUMP of COAL
Twas the night before the 25th of December
All through the house there was crap strewn about
The cats were hissing and smacking each other
And nary a dry Kleenex to be found
I and my wife had just settled down
To an evening of computer games, each to his own
When suddenly from the front door there came such a sound
As if religious proselytizers knocking thereupon
That turned out to be the case and we were then faced
With odd little beings who demanded that we accept
That the true meaning of this cold icy time of year
Was to celebrate the birth of someone who was born sometime in March as far as anybody who ever actually studied the subject could ever figure
So we listened and nodded and uh-huhed in agreement
And they soon went away
Jesus Christ!
There's lot's of wonderbar schtuff in the archives.
I may post my song book soon (all three songs)
But today involves taking the cat
Pretty little kittyto the vet for a yearly tune up
Or, I should say, involved.
That part of the day is done.
After this, I will work on the viola concerto.
Whilst polishing the thing, I managed to rub through the finish and now I need to rearrange some of it.
Or throw out some of it.
Or throw out all of it.
Or something.
I am beginning to be thankful that the rant can be recognized as an art form.
I especially like the form for it's inclusion of factual inaccuracy as an integral part of the artistic arc.
I'm getting pretty good at factual inaccuracy.
posted by Lane Savant at 11:10 AM
33 Comments:
Lump of Coal is in fact, a Palmer Christmas tradition. You posted it on the site, FFTR, last Christmas, and I could not add a photo to it, so I re-posted it in May 2008, with a great illustration to go with it, entitling it LUMP OF COAL II. So by my count, the poem has been posted (4) times now, in this its second holiday viewing. I asked you at the time who came to your door, 7th Day Adventists, Mormons, Four Squarers, or whom?
Let's hope your last surviving pussy cat is free of deadly feline diseases. We just put down one of my daughter's cats with feline AIDS. Something to ponder on.
Viola, viola, and what Jannie said about them too. Keep after it, remembering that damned foolishness to some people is the breath of life to others.
Ranting is an art form, and advanced stage of riffing. Comics like Woody Allen, Robin Williams, Bill Maher, and Dennis What'sface have made lucrative careers out of it. It might truly be your finest ability, or strong suit. I was only half kidding about making up a Savant Rant Book. Non-fiction, or what passes for it, are still pulishable, unlike fiction or poetry.
Have you been checking out Alex's singing snippets? Hot stuff. I am really looking forward to the release of ALEXTRONICA.
Glenn
Oh, Yeah, especially as how you get a freebie.
Alex likes you better than me.
Now does this mean Alex likes me better than you like me, or Alex likes me better than she likes you? Kind of confusing as put. Of course you are full of bull pucky either way. I feel kind of guilty about the freebie issue, hope she didn't feel pressured into it with my verbosity and poetic avalanche of responses. Hell, I put a lot more on your blog and you never offered to give me a freebie! Or did you buy me lunch one time?
I had to be edumacated as to what a "meme" is these days. Over on Jannie's site, she was working one with tons of responses, and I had no idea what a meme was. Dictionary just says an "idea" I guess it sucks in responders. My respondants on FFTR are very sparse. I guess it is too esoteric and demonstrative for most commentors.
Glenn
As Blogmaster for FFTR it never occurs to me that what interests me does not interest others. Or bores them. If it pissed them off, as it does for some, then usually they do respond. A native American jumped my shit about an Indian poem I had transcribed from a book recently. Can't please everyone, enit?
Glenn
Actually, dude, it is somewhere in between. The stuff you post is great to read and wonder at, but often it would require too much effort and thought to respond to it. At least I find it so. Like Doug, though, I love the pictures.
...........Eddy Emerald
Personally, I do appreciate your dedication to posting poetry, all kinds of it. Remember poets most often are not rewarded for their efforts.
............Emily
I would like to see more gay items on FFTR. Presently we have to just read the comments section over her on FFTL, in order to keep up on the gay scene.
...........Ronnie Reagan
I gave Alex a plug over at Jannie's sit the other day, right after I goaded and dared everyone to come over here and listen to your excellent mp3's too. Jannie has some mp3's from her upcoming CD and/or musical, I NEED A MAN. Actually that was a minor hit by Elton John, wasn't it?
Glenn
I resent that remark, smartassperson! You know that Bernie and I have been an item forever! Of course it never hurts to get free exposure on someone's blog, right? I was once fined heavily for exposing myself freely after a party.
.............Elton J.
Christ, FFTR is starting to look like Wikipedia. You have over 2200 postings on it already. Who the hell has the time to look at all that crap?
........Edgar Poo
Not all of us are so lazy and preoccupied with pulling lint out of our belly buttons, Poo. You just keep up your passionate creativity, Glenn. It is appreciated, albeit quietly, by many deeper souls.
............Emily
There she goes again! No one was talking to you, Miss Emily. You may be drug free, but you could have taken some lessons from Miss Jannie, because you certainly "need a man".
......Edgar Allen Poo, Esq.
Like Dame Elton, I too resent that remark, you depressed troll. Everyone knows that Doug Palmer is my man. He can't get enough of me.
..........Emily
I swear, everyone but you knows that Palmer is eccentric in his passions, and creates fantasy lovers each week. So don't make too much out of his attentions. The brute will break your heart, honey.
........Rich Simmons
I can speak for Doug, and do so frequently. His love for Emily is as real as anything else in his life, more real than some things.
..........Lane Savant
Every time he gushes sweet nottins to dat broad, it makes me sick! What dat dried up prune of a poet needed was several massive doses of stupping. Dat works on dose kind of broads every time! My wife wud disagree, but hell, her judgement is impaired; she married me, right?
........Vinnie
Play nice, children. Remember words become action, and action has consequences.
.........Jahovah
No one goes to my movies anymore. If I wasn't such an egotist, I would quit making them. I feel that Palmer's quirky love affair with Miss Dickinson is a perfect example of what's wrong with this country.
.............Woody's Allan
WV is "mantemis"
Miller, Buttkus, that would be Dennis Miller. And damned rights ranting is an art form. You just keep up the great rants. Maybe Comedy Central will give you a shot one day. Too bad almost live is defunct. You'd have been a hit on that show.
..........Dennis M.
Haven't seen you around on HBO lately, Mr. Miller. What's up with that? Sorry I couldn't remember your last name the other day, just another in a long and too frequent interfaces with senior moments.
Glenn
WV is "boylared"
I want Palmer to keep ranting, not you, Buttkus. Whatsamatter you?
...........D. Miller
Actually that should have been Denis Leary, there, Herr Buttkus. My rants and comic verve put old Miller to shame, Maher too...and I ain't too bad of an actor these days. Do you watch RESCUE ME?
......Denis Leary
How the deuce did Denis Leary get my picture to show up on his anonymous note? Cyber knomes I guess. What the hell is this, the battle of the Dennis's? I meant Miller, but of course, Leary would work too, and yes, I do watch Rescue Me, although the 5 minute formats for this season were pesky to keep track of.
Glenn
Actually you might have meant Dennis Farina, who is more an actor than comic, but his rants are legend in Tinseltown. I know cuz I am Dennis Farina.
..........Dennis III
Who gives a crap how your pic got splashed over my comment. You get the point, right? Leary rules and Miller drools.
.......Denis L.
Dennis Morgan was one of my favorite character actors back in the day. And let's not forget Dennis Day, and all the other great dudes named Dennis, like the menace.
..........J. Edgar H.
Hey Putz, Buttkus meant Dennis Hopper naturally. I am the only guy who can do comedy while I am performing drama, and make people love it.
.........Dennis H.
You arrogant Yanks are a hoot. Glenn was referring to me, Dennis Potter, for his is a SINGING DETECTIVE, and PENNIES FROM HEAVEN fan from day one, right?
.....Dennis Potter, Harry's Dad
My first kiss was with a boy named Dennis, in fourth grade. He had been held back, and was a lot bigger than the rest of us, and he said I had a pretty mouth.
............Tiny Tim
You makes me smile.
I might come back as a cat and marry yours.
I think the Church of Perpetual Bingo came first.
Who's gay?
Gay's okay.
Yes, more Gay stuff please!
I meant what I said about the old church farters, I mean rafters.
I think I have to go bop some prosteltisers on their beans now with my used copy of "100 Secrets of Successful People."
To mean the only real Dennis was the Mennis.
Careful in them tulips, T. Tim. I hear they's littered with broken glass.
Just listened to your first 3 MP3s. Is that you on the piano?
Yes, that's me on "piano"
But honesty compels me to admit that "piano' is the name of my computer.
The one that has Garritan's most excellent megasampled Steinway patch.
However "Nightmare Prelude" is live, played by Meade Crane.
And "Sad Song" is live, played by Keith Eisenbrey.
That is a pretty cat isn't it?
Alex, when she was here for last January's salon told me that she really appreciated your poetizing her blogs.
It is my belief that you have helped inspire her to do the singing.
They were Imaginaryists, from the First Church of the Nebulous Vapors.
I actually enjoyed the encounter, but one cannot rant about something one enjoys.
The cat has (had) a radio tracking collar we know where the cat is, on a blanket on the couch, and we know where the collar is, under a dense thicket of pointy sticky thorny bushes on the other side of the street.
My connection is so slow that I can't listen to much unless I use the library's computers, which I'm going to do tomorrow when I'm downtown for my composition class.
Huh! girls always like you better.
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